Thursday, November 1, 2012

Rough patch

Having a rough day over here..
Beverly's due in two days, the place is totally ready and I am pretty excited about her arrival.
I just wish that Jorge and I could finally figure us out.
We have gone a record amount of time recently without any big fights. Probably the last 6 months we've been doing wonderfully. A lot of bickering and getting annoyed at each other, but that's normal for us.. We are soooo different.
I've been talking more and more about us getting married lately. He seemed to be into it. He definitely wasn't shunning the idea, but wasn't taking any steps forward. We've been together for two and a half years and are about to have our second baby, isn't it normal for a couple to be married by now?
Apparently not to him.. he told me this morning he doesn't want to get married yet- he wants to be together another two and a half years before we make that commitment.
Honestly I just see this as his way of pushing it to the side and having no intention of ever making it happen. I don't even know what to do.. I need someone who I can count on and know will always be here to provide for us. It seems like lately since I've been trying to encourage him more and more to find a better job he's just ignoring it even more. What does he expect is going to happen when we have two babies? The rent is just going to pay itself???? I'm so fucking confused. At 30 years old I just can't imagine how or why he isn't standing up on his own and moving in with us completely, wanting to get married, finding a stable, better paying job and just wanting to be a good dad and husband.

My mom has told me for the last couple years that I need to stop expecting him to change. I know I need to do that and I have tried a few times, but I just want my family to be together, whether I have the perfect husband that I'm head over heels in love with or not, I want us to stay together for the kids. He has told me that this isn't a priority for him though. He has said in the past that he can just leave, no big deal. I'm not sure why I don't take these comments more seriously, I guess I'm just hoping he'll grow out of it. Not likely...If we had the same religious views this might be a little easier, but he's such a stubborn catholic. He won't step foot anywhere near my church. But I think if he did it would help us a lot... :/ But I need to focus on the fact that I cant change him. I need to get over the idea of us ever going to church as a family, or him spending anywhere near the amount of time I spend with his family, with mine (if that makes sense?).

Alright I'm done.. I'm going to go finish Betsey's beanie and stop ranting on here and trying to defend myself to friends over texts. It's like talking to my mom about it, I know they love me and don't want me to be upset and deal with this, but I just don't feel like I'm ready to be a single mom. I would rather sit here and deal with Jorge being immature and keep trying to make this work than break up and deal with finding some amazing, unreal job that is going to support everyone, and put the girls in day care.. Ugh I don't even want to think about it! :(

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